On Common Ground "Biblical Principles for Life Diversites Chapter One" | Biblical Principles for Life Diversities "Character Defects" | Biblical Principles for Life Diversities "Body" | The Study of The 12 Tribes of Israel | The Study of the 12 Trtibes of Israel | The Study of 12 Tribes of Israel | Witnessing The Greatest Commandment | Principles and the Revelation to the Key of Prayer | True Essence of God's Revelation For Family | Witnessing God's Greatest Commandment | What is Forgiveness and its function and destruction | Created | Kata Matthaion According to Matthew | God's Greatest Warning to the Church and Prosperity | You are Blessed People you want to become a Blessing People

. This story starts like a child awakening for the first time, and as the person awakes sees life and their recorder starts recording and processing life. Here is how are story goes………………………….    Chapter One      Like my life recorder is on, what a great feeling it is. My understanding that my mother is not my real mother but my second mother as well as my father; seems so complicated to grasps as if I am two instead of one and being treated as one but have two of everything. All the kids here are like me but still they are different. My mother is tall woman, with a strong voice, like she is angry all the time at something or someone. My father short round man, face always frowns up. Not really having much to say. Truly here my mother is the talker and the one to watch out for. My other members of the family are Mark, Daniel, Keith, Kevin, and I am the oldest of this particular bunch. There is an older brother that lives in the basement by the name of John. A pretty large group and then from time to time my older sister that is really not my sister named Patricia, with an angry voice as well would be there to sometimes.    My head is exploding with constant adjustments and fear of the strange things, watching everything with constant adjustments and fear of the strange new heighten emotions and not understanding anything. Made me feel like I did not belong to the family unit like an out cast from the beginning. My mother tone is loud abusive and early letting you know your place in the family unit. Barking out orders and not having any mercy upon mistakes with an out of control rage that was brutal and rentless. Struck a lot of fear when she around; so my thoughts scrambled in her presents, wanted to please but scared to move. I knew at any giving moment with know expectation that her fury could be released upon you so you constantly had to be on guard.    My father quiet never talked much to me, or never touch me unless it was time for some action to be taken because of my behavior, a spanking in other words. Or tell me in a loud voice some harsh words to let you know how stupid I am or dumb I was. My lack of understanding was pushed to fake knowledge and pretending became my life. I was on constant guard and not understanding much else but that. Constantly looking for a way in to see where I fit into his thought pattern and how I belong to him. As if I was a mistake to him or way to perceive that I was not his in name but in presence. My head spinning with confusion and wondering what is going on as my emotions triggered with massive explosions all in my head causing feeling to arise for which I was unable to comprehend.  My head twisting in anger and no comprehension of what is happening to me as I go on with my day; wanted to just hold myself but arms are just too short. Emotions exploding around me and within me that are triggering things I do not understand. Situation and circumstances increased as the tension increased and feelings are sinking lower and lower. My head is like a soft sponge so full but know one to squeeze it out, just full and soaked and dripping as more is constantly poured on it. My life too much for me to handle and will there ever is a way out. My thoughts running in an area of thinking is this right or wrong and why should I even stay here. I thought this as a hand comes across my face.   Did I not tell you to this you stupid mother….. Why you did not do as I told you to do……. Why!!! In a loud voice, and thunder sounds in the air. My head spinning from the blow, not really knowing what is or what I have done wrong. Only able to respond with the only thing that I could compute was “I do not know.” Hoping on the inside that the answer I gave would stop the assault which was coming regardless of the answer. A few more responsive words of the aggressive nature with strong sounds and a few more hits and mother said “Now go do what I told you!” You are scared to ask how to do it because you fear the response or the attack coming after the question. Searching your mind running up and down your thoughts, reviewing you day, looking for the answers with pain and confusion all around you with tears rolling down your cheeks. Wondering to you is it time to die or what. Hoping someone would come by and tell you how it is suppose to be done before mother  returns and you have not yet done what she wants done and how you are suppose to do it.   Your head spinning constantly thinking pattern of searching and trying to remember everything she told you. As well as thinking and looking for your place in this group of people where now you do not even call a family. Your position at night is in a small knot and fearful of every sound. Hoping you have done everything correctly that day, so you will not be woken up in the middle of the night with a beating. Or not even wanting to see your brothers woken up screaming in pain and vengeance wanting to cover your head but not knowing that the reaction would produce, so you learn to cry within your own head.  You are awakening by a sound that is not even there and while you lay there you think this first day is done. Will it be this way all the time, is there anything that I can do to increase my safety here. Is this the reason that they got me here to do what they do to me on purpose? You start making a mind search and you start to put everything in order in your head because everything is all tangled up. You try to sort through the day and try to make since of it all and you at that age only 8 or 9 years of age and at that stage of life could not or even able to figure out what is going on. Desperately searching and trying to put things in the best order possible which you do not even know what order is yourself. You scan the room and begin looking and putting your other family members in certain categories such as your brothers for starters. You think to your self, why you can not be more like them. What is the difference between you and them and constantly searching yourself to see what is wrong with you.   You look at Mark; quiet loves his sports more like you than any of them. Never getting to much right; always in line for a mistake. One year under you but not catching as much as you are catching. Knowing how to so cleverly get out the way a little faster than I could. Always able to get away and wiggled his way out of an attack upon himself. Always having something to talk about with my older brother John they had sports in common. I ask my self as I lay there do I care about him, do he care about me at all. Would I ever know truly who he is or better yet do he even care who I am? As I lay there and think to myself I wonder is me and Mark related really or would we ever know? I try my best to place him in a category of my brother hoping that there is some place in my head that will give me the conformation that he is really my brother by heart blood anything.   I continue to scan the room and my thoughts as well as my eyesight fall upon Daniel. I say and think to my self Daniel is the angel of the bunch. The third of the bunch of us and is totally different from me and the rest of the group that is here. First Daniel is my father’s natural cousin as well as being very light skinned and we all are very dark looking. As being dark you had that feeling around people that they do not want to be around you or you are like a place of danger. Dark was like at that time being cursed and this cursed being tremendously hard to understand at my stage and my age 9-10 years of age. Daniel had hazel like eyes and very curly hair and had an evil streak a mile long. Knowing that he is believed before anyone by him being what I could feel the favorite of the bunch of us. Constantly wanting to be touched and always hearing how nice he looks, how good he is. Constantly father touches and holds him while mother watches on with anger. Mother is seeing and feeling what I see and feel and knowing it is wrong but is like unable to express what is going on within herself. Within all this you can do nothing but explode with emotions and feelings erupting within you about what are going on. As you lay there and look at Daniel your situations and circumstances begin to erupt as well as your feelings and emotions begin to explode within. I search myself closely to see what type of feelings and where do I place him in my grouping of this family unit. The more I lay there and look at him there is a change going on within me and the more I view my brother, the more my brother becomes my enemy.   My situations and circumstances changes as I look at my brother for the simple fact that my brother becomes more and more my enemy or is he becoming in my mind some one that I would like to be. With my situations and circumstances exploding at a force strong enough to force me to stay awake, my thoughts are running as fast as they normally run, but all on one thought that my own brother is separating me from which was rightfully mine. A chance to receive what I expected to receive as a member of this family unit. These thoughts triggering my emotions and feelings to set off a chain of explosions within me as it ripple through my body and there was know way to stop them. I lay there and toss and turn back and forth looking at my brother or that person lying in the next bed and struggle in the placement for which I needed to put him in. I wanted so badly to be able to call him my brother, but he was getting what I could not and I wandered is it the fact that I am not him is the reason that I was not getting the tings he was getting. Why should I have to be like him in order to get the things that he was getting? My head swimming and spinning to a point that constantly is seeing explosions all around me and feeling the rippling effect of the explosions within me. My head begin to pound I am becoming more and more confused as well as being scared because of my thoughts running faster than I could understand. Until all I want to do all I can do but ball up in a knot to hold my self hoping that would make it stop.   My situation is developing ever faster than I can keep up with. I am balled up in a knotted position which is the only thing that helps. Since of giving my self a hug in which I so badly needed at this time. While my thoughts still racing evermore faster and then my eyes fall upon my other members of this family unit the twins Keith and Kevin. Sleeping in the same bed at the bottom of the bunk beds. Not really knowing how they feel about me nor how I feel about them I begin this task of trying to place them in a position within this family unit of ours. Ever so watching them trying the best that I can to keep them two from the attacks that can be release here and doing my best to not let any one see me protecting them. Simply because I do not know the reaction that would bring upon me. I struggle with the fact with them that I am suppose to be the oldest and looking out for the youngest is what I suppose to be doing. They constantly not able to comprehend everything that mother’s said to them on how she wants things done, so constantly I am going behind them with out any one knowing; trying to keep them out of trouble. Thoughts running in my mind as a rocket take off in to space and once the rocket gets into space they shut the rockets off. Because there is no resistance there but my mind ever shut the rockets off and I have nothing to stop my thoughts. There is nothing for them to grab on to and they are running at the speed of sound and over loading me. As for my mind is leaving me behind and is running all alone I try so hard to catch up with my mind. When me and my mind becomes as one with the facts I am looking at the twins, the exploding force of strange thought patterns begin to kick end. Like a small army of ever advancement saying are you sure and repeating this statement over and over in my head, are you sure, are you sure; I yell inside myself are you sure What?    As this attack continue in my head my heart begin to race and I begin to start breathing faster and faster, something is happening to me that I can not understand or can I see it, not even able to hear. Then all of a sudden just like that this feeling that fell upon me it left. This was the strangest thing I could not figure this out and could not understand the reason for this. I thought to myself that it was because of the constant repeating of thoughts racing through my head, that uncertain feelings about my brothers in fact the triggering force for all this had left me totally confused.   As this feeling leaves me my eyes fall back upon the twins and I give a little smile, right there, that moment in time in that space of thought I would make a vow between me and myself. That what ever happens that I will make a stand for those two for the simple fact that the reason the attack came was that I had a sign that was to show me how much I loved them, or If they do not love me. As I made this vow with myself I also said to myself that I could not ever tell them because I wanted to show them how much I really care. I kind of felt that they were a little too young to every thing that was happening around here and they were most definitely too young to understand what love was. So I turned over getting back into my knot trying my best to hold myself and give myself the touching that I need and to get close together so that nothing could get in and hurt me. As I lay there thinking my thoughts begin to slow down and my ball begin to loosen and I begin to drift back to sleep slowly, and slowly.   The first night is done it was not so bad just combated and beaten of thoughts as well as great explosions of life. Understanding that I have and had to move on and learn to as just to. When this explosions of life with that first recording I could not understand the tings for which I was in nor could I grab the concept of the principles in which I was suppose to learn. What I did figure out was that I was totally confused and in constant alert for my self and for everyone else. I had thought myself to sleep in a loosen ball and mixed confusion as well as less understanding and my body is worn out. This is the time that I summit my body and mind for the repair s that is needed to survive the next day. To repair myself as well as relocate me, simply for what the world you and others call another day. To call upon the people unseen to come to me and repair the damage that was sustained in this day and to try to prepare myself, as I sleep for the next day that they call tomorrow. And try to understand that today is gone and the damage done today is not holding me in the next day. Just hold myself call upon the people unseen and everything will be alright.   As I awaken with the hustling and bustling of the day preparing for school, watching my father leave the house for work with eagerness waiting for my mother to leave after barking out orders; as she departs receiving her ever reminding feelings of her being in charge and never trying to forget it. As she gives and set the tone for the day as she leaves the house. With a few harsh words she is leaving me in a state of confusion and fear. With an uncontrollable urge to say I do not understand, but fear and running thoughts run past that.  As my thoughts entangle emotions begin bursting out want to grab and reach for the door and reach for my mother a she turns a walk away, and every array of emotions explode within me and round me as I see her walk away from me. I am yearning for just some sign of being apart of this family unit as she turns. She gives no indication that she evens sees me not even want to see me. Do not want to see her go is running a hundred miles and hour through my head as well as glad to see her go to relieve some of that tension that is from her presence. And all of a sudden the explosion and the realization of that lonely feeling explodes on the seen and leaving me all the more confused as well as in a space of nothingness and refusal.    Now the day has began with great feelings of looking forward to school the same emotions not looking forward. My mind running how to fit in today. How am I going to be able to handle this cruel society of the world that is relentless and is so out of control that I never knowing what is going to happen next. Not to be center of jokes and arouse from others school members that think I am nothing as well as matching the feeling that is within me, that I think is the right feeling. Constantly thinking of things to say or do to stop the attacks of the words upon my person. Trying to use all the tings I no to stop the laughter at me or just keep them laughing at something else, anything besides me. With the same thoughts hoping that the world would just simply explode or I get into an accident, hit by a car or something, anything that would change the course of today. Most of all searching myself and the surrounding area to make sure that I did everything that I was told to me to d before I leave, simply because I no mother would be home to check it. Also praying that my brothers did what was expected of them so that I would not be blame for there mistakes, as well trying my best to search the area and pick out anything that would be out of place so that my mother would not see or find the thing that was not done when she got home.   This makes the walk to school some what an excursion of raw emotions soaring to heights unknown to me and out of control. With thoughts racing faster and faster within my head and causing my feelings an emotions to explode with great forces that sent rippling through out my hold body and my situations and circumstances changing at the speed of sound made this walk today like a time bomb ready to explode. Trying to pull everything together made me feel like I was left behind always trying to catch up with me like I was separate from within. Trying to fit in a world that not only don’t even exists nor is it possible to fine, but, constantly looking for the normal or better yet to even a be normal. As being balled up as I thought at all as I am now within about to enter a world where there is no rules or thoughts for others. A place to where confusion and out of control emotions fueled uncontrollable situations and circumstances for which makes for torture.   As I step into this other world called school my own searches diligently for a mate a disturbing explosion happen. The more I tried to pull away from me and my rapid running mind and the more it gave me a mate and it was just for me. The feverous search for that mate to commune with was not a driven force for a mate of compassion in a since of love, but the squeezer of the sponge. My mate had to be the part of my life that was able to take me apart and let me know that things would be alright. I was searching for the impossible as I search and not only be able to take me apart but to give assurance all is normal. I sat and wondered all the time being able to ever find a mate that was cable and able to do what was so desperate needed in my life. As one lost in a crowded room seen but not seen heard but not heard my thoughts are my only sound as they race through an atmosphere of no gravity nothing to hold on to not even me. As I fight for me the more of me that float away.   As I search my thoughts the excitement of the whole situation was exploding around me. Laughter, touching and talking was going on with me and around me that which sparks other effects of my life. My situation and circumstances had changed. As well as my feelings and emotions that lifted me off uncontrollable knowing if I should run or fall down and weep. Finally thoughts and my mind come together at the peak of the terror that brought me understanding. Where I could some how see that was growth. As my feelings reached the peak gave me another side to see the rush of emotions along with feelings grasping for there circumstances at the same time was remarkable, but not only that but as well the same time like no other expression I could use, but I am apart of life. At the stage of life and the age of 9-10 years of age being apart of anything was not in the picture for me. As I struggle to belong to anything or any group and this was in all amazing for me to be apart of this explosion for which I am in right now right here.   As I take those feelings and emotions and try and channel them through who I am did not seem to hold the same intensity. As I vigorously try to recapture that experience that the more I fine myself getting away from it. The feelings of being apart of the life which was exploding all around me and within my very being was leaving me rapidly and there was nothing that I could do about it. The faster my thoughts raced the more confusion set in. Not finding or being able to hold that experience of being apart that exploded all over me that gave me greatness begins to soak me once again. Being bomb with thoughts of home and laughter not around me but at me and it heighten my since of emotions lost all knowledge of that experience to return to the more regular since of confusion and lost. Combated with feelings and emotions that are running wild and as I was sinking into darkness that had no end. I was crying out but no sound as well as reaching but no movement. I was looking for a way to get away but unable to move as the attack of laughter at me brought an angry response of emotions and feelings rippling through my body. As a massive explosions going off and no way for me to stop the attack. I am searching so desperately for a way to stop this attack upon my person and at the same time searching for a way to turn it around so that it would be pointed in another direction.   As my road progresses and the multitude encounters gave me a place less and less understandable confusion that is to begin to cover me like a blanket for this had found its hanging place. Now I am in that place that the mate that is so badly needed is truly needed now to help me deal with this. But what is so bad about that I can not even fine the mate. So I quit even looking for the mate and just then for the first time that which I was not looking for the mate all of a sudden the mate had found me. But the mate that found me would cause me more torture than anything else. It was not help it was added pressure as well as added fear for me, not to be able to grab for my mate. My thoughts longing for that mate but my feelings and emotions have changed my situation and circumstances to the point that my thoughts had to change me so I could not grab my mate. So I could deal with not having or letting any one know that I was yearning for this mate to make sure that I was able to hide the fact that I had anything for this matter. It was almost like becoming a knew person except that person for me was to protect me from the mate for which I needed badly in my life, also not let anyone know about my feelings and emotions for my mate. Not in the since of creating a new person but recreating what has already been created, another you from the old you to except you to be able to give to others to stay away from what your thoughts are longing for.    With all that my world was ever more changing and ever more exploding all around me with me barely able to keep up with my thoughts, which is really not my thoughts, me not really me. The more I try to make sense the more confused I got. Now my situations are constantly changing as I learned to force a change. As I figured out uses of ability which I had never even possibly thought I was able to do, I found myself able to force feed myself into a change to try to help me. But this not only confused me more it became unstable for me to start a change because of the lack of ability to stop the reactions set off by the force changes. I was at a point of knowing power but unable to understand its proper usage and I was at the most biggest disadvantage than before. My circumstances are increasing more and more at a rapid pace than I could possibly imagine. All this to not long after what my thoughts was longing for and the more I tried not to the more I wanted that mate. But the far notion of this could give me much pain and unwanted emotions and feelings to where now they laugh with me not at me and how I wanted that. My whole things was not only based upon there reaction to me at this point the future was also my concern. In that brought upon great stress and fear. There laughing now was most with me and I perceive not understanding that they were only laughing at what I was doing. Which was simply laughing at me but unable to process completely I was working with the half situation of response with in my own head. And all this before the first hour in this world which some call school.   As I fight myself to stay that way the more I lose what I had and the more not it is moving on its own power. What I found to force a situation and move a circumstances has found its own power source, or its own way to fuel its self and pull me away. It was more like it was searching constantly for its own wants to separate me from it and create a separate person. I struggle hard just to keep me from being separated and do the best that I can fine a way to control something for which I had built within me and it wanting to lead but wanted me to disappear. Now along with that its longing thoughts my thoughts have speeded up to the point of bearable capability to handle as well as reaching and grabbing for its longing for rest. For what I am getting more and more confused and explosions are moving faster and faster to fast and what am I to do. I want to be in that ball and close the world out and hold me. But the gift is still moving on what is happening to me; will I be able to come back from where I have gone inside of me or taken or be taken to, or will I spend the rest of life trying to catch me as I fall behind and be separated from me and recreated all in front of my eyes.   Now at the same time within the same moment my appetite for this same feelings and emotions exploded all around me, as well as the changing of my situations and circumstances moving at the speed some time unable to see. Now the more I wanted the less I could control the more I am trying the less I could do and my entire system is like a new person. Like the whole thing was moving to shed my old skin away to make a fresher faster better me. To where my mind and thoughts now able to take on more as well as maintain where I do not want to be and move what I wanted away. As if I had became two magnets with different pulses pushing each part of me away but constantly being brought together. But before long something must give. As if the force is tearing things apart that needs to be together to hold the entire thing as one. As if I have found myself and was rejecting what was found as well as not accepting the separation. I was in a situation of terrible circumstances or positions and what a place to be in.   As I look around me and scan my area I see those I want to be and those I want to see, and my feelings and emotions that are usually exploding instead drives me to run. I look and see no one is looking at me. I see explosions and don’t understand that the explosions are even happening. I look in amazement and wonder that the explosions are real or what. As I look forward and see that no one is like me and now that triggers the explosion that grows the fuel to move my thoughts as the growth increasingly moves faster and faster as that longing grows to yearning and as I more and more try to slow down the more I try to cut it off the faster and faster it gets.   Why not feed the yearning but the transparentness of that thought quickly moves knowingly the pain as well as feeling the emotions erupts to a point to where I am scared to even think it. Seeing this in others but afraid for m what a position as time clicks away my thoughts turn again toward home looking at the time. Searching my thoughts my mind to see everything done by now some one is watching me seeing me motion to myself searching myself and not understand what they are seeing. As my situation and circumstances explode so do my emotions and feelings erupts and now no longer talking to me or laughing with me, just pointing and laughter at me starts again. And all I want to do is to ball up and what is so funny all this is in the first day.   As the time disappeared so I appeared from the dark place for which I was hidden and wanted this day to end and I have made it back will I be able to keep this up hiding from me in order to help me be some one else. Who is really me just acting not to yearn for my mate. I am caught in the position of being untrue not only to myself but my inner self as well as being lost in the translation. It was like almost a paradox to be lost in but no way out unless you totally loose you and then you will never be able to come back. My life was like being put together tested in the fact that my very being was put to the test, that I must for the most disappear and become some thing or some one else in order to deal with me. That no one else could possibly see. Caused myself more explosions and emotional feelings and ever more changing situation and circumstances that I could bear. So the journey back form whence I came is not a journey one sees, a silent cry for help that knows no answer and particular that neither know one neither sees nor know one hears.    As the journey is surrounded by laughter, talking, funning, playing, not ever knowing is the constant building of fear. That is building as well as the eruptions of emotions and feeling within the running thoughts are at speeds that could break the sound bearer. But still like the body on automatic pilot steady pushing forward as well as moving forward. Going toward its destiny like if there was a reward at the end to give it life or something and that feeling was stronger than anything that I could possibly imagine. With a steady pace and no idea what is going on I move forward. As we sees our destiny where laughter turns to silence and no playing or jumping never noticing before. Because of all the explosions and running away feelings and emotions and the explosions and eruptions constantly changing of situations and circumstances that I was in the most dangerous spot I could be in. To be able to see where I want to go and as well knowing not what was ahead but seeing it and be all alone.    But my automatic gear was on and my body steadies push forward and its own beat. Regardless of what is going on it still pushes forward like an army seeking to destroy its enemy in the wilderness that is yelling this is the wrong way or this is not the people we are after, I am just out numbered or is to weak to even speak up, out of fear as well as lack of strength. As I enter the house and hear the normal sounds and nothing else as the deflation lets out and the rushing thoughts of what to do automatically goes into high gear and as I turn the corner with all these explosions going on and eruptions ready to explode at any moment in the basement I see her at the sewing machine. As usually at this time of the day coming home from school. Mother was a seamstress and which she sewed portable camera bags. For which we have duties to perform there as well. My mother had turned the basement to an assembly tool to get this particular bag out to the company she worked for. From space to fold and cut the material to the place to sew as well a place to put together the particular parts once separated and now put back together. So seeing my mother there set off its own explosions. I did not know if there was some bags that I was suppose to have folded. Or was there something she expected me to take upon myself to do that before I went to school. Or was there any type of sleeves that should have been folded. Or was there something she expected me to take upon myself to do that automatically started chain reactions upon her seeing me of uncontrollable rage or attack of abusive words. As well I am torn when I see my mother because I want is to be in a position with in the family that brings about a normal response or maybe just to be touched in away that I never had been before by mother. As I turn the corner and begin to walk toward mother because due to our room being behind her I begin to have my explosions to speed up and begin to go faster and faster as if they where fueled by her and now with her presents being there and I was about to burst open as I walked toward her.    My thoughts begin to race to tell my thoughts to my mother in how I been thinking as well as to get some type of clarity to my thoughts, and thinking how it is consuming me to a point of total confusion as well as being under know understanding about anything that is going on in my head. I wanted to tell her so bad that it was felling like I was bursting in my head and that I was going to explode on the fact that I had something to tell and there was know way for me to comprehend the things that was going one within me. I thought that if I could only tell my beloved mother that everything would no doubt in my mind would be alright. But my thoughts as transparent as they were to me but real in me I knew the best were to hold those thoughts to myself. Just for today let those thoughts feed on me and hold on to them as I walked past her. The greatest emotional explosions ever I had at this stage and this age of my life as well as the best eruption of explosiveness of raw combustion of explosions with my thoughts totally moving with the speed of almost super sonic speed in those few steps it took to get past my mother.   Now as my day increased so do my thoughts as I play a rollercoaster of these exploding eruptions of feelings that gave me such stress was relieved once I got to my room. You see my thoughts as in all my days and nights I have come custom to letting things feed on me. Knowing how to share my true thoughts of my own with anyone as this is the normal with me sharing with me. You see there have been know one ever there to share those thoughts with and this was the reason that I retreated to the depths of my own thoughts as well as my own depths of confusion was a rationalization from my own understanding. Which my own self offered know comfort but gave a since of being in the process of thoughts. Never had at this point able to get any answer but the process of thoughts was very comforting, to the fact it gave me a chance to participate in life as my own thoughts govern my thoughts. But with in that I found my own satisfaction of the process itself. My thoughts race and combat with each other so much that the ability to resolve any situation or even in my life would be almost impossible. So in that situations or circumstances or events in my life changed because in the process would ignite my emotions which would fuel my feelings and with no understanding or no way to obtain any clarity my mind comes like a sponge with no way to squeeze it out. Like all this information that was half process being left over till it in fact would consumed so much space that it felt like I had totally being filled; and the rest is excess and is running off. Then it started all back over again so for me know answers just the process.   My day goes on and I look forward more and more to my ball up position to hold me. My situations and circumstances are rapidly changing and more and more I am coming confused. To me my appetite for this has grown to a full fledge monster. You see it was like if the more I pushed myself in thoughts and acceptance the more and more the ability became necessary for existence within my very own being. I constantly am yearning for attention as well on top of all that. Being seen but not seen is setting off eruptions that I became a custom to. Not in the since that there was know other way but the fact that I had no other choice in the matter. For what I yearned for was seemed to be impossible for reality. Like it did not exist for the fact I have not received it. It was more or less like a door to which I could not find the knob to get out or come in. My surrounding are getting more tense have stepped up a notch. In that my responsibilities have changed as well more is added and less is given. To almost agree of being not just only seen but not taken in the fact that I was only  9-10 years of age as well. As only being in this stage of life being over loaded. Always pressure and tense feeling never knowing exactly where I fit end and how. My body on constant alert along with heightens senses of emotions. As I constantly searching myself for failures that an attack can be made upon me grows and gets a pattern of combat and war is engaged upon me. In actually account I was in a state for which I had know other control but to be on constant alert fearing for possible attacks for which I knew not the out come more the moment of attacks.    My mother seems more tense natured lately. She is being more and more abusive every day because of intense time within the family survival or existence. I n her eyes things are getting more cluttered I thing. I cannot see anything within her eyes but a mass of confusion. Mom always seemed in control of every situation not at this stage having a lot to do with the running and moving around all the time. Not in a sense to where we are actually moving from house to house in a since of running around within her own mind. I could see as well as recognize the same thing in her eyes that was in my eyes total confusion but of a different degree. There were other things there that I had neither understanding nor comprehension of. Getting away and leaving us in the hands of father brought on great and massive tension for me as well I guess it was mother form of release or something at this stage I could not understand such things. One part of me glad to see mother leave because of the constantly on guard attacks but then the understanding of being alone with father became ever more increasing explosions as well eruptions within me. The emotions and feelings to be raw form constantly being on alert when mother was there and really no knowing when the next attack was. But to go directly to a situation of never knowing what would bring on an attack of total destruction to a situation of never knowing what would bring on an attack of total destruction with father. With in that became emotional eruptions of massive amounts. Fueling my thoughts to race more like a warning signal in that my situation and circumstance changes from being on guard because possible attack to defense from the actual attack.   As the others rush in the house and takes their respective places. Everyone fighting for attention of father while I look on. One rushes and get the news paper while I circle trying to understand the situation as the process is running with know answer but constantly running. I fight for a position of safety and a stable was of controlling my emotions and feelings. As I know that father is a brutal man with fewer words to say to me as possible. As I see a trigger of emotions from him on the television was a sign of complete fear for me as well. Simply because I had learned from other situations this is a dangerous area. I never thought my father ever had any emotions unless it was triggered by something for which I had done. But later I found out it could be triggered by something he saw. For which he saw and then turned it on to a point to which he had to response, but the only problem was I was the person for which he had to react on. This particular time the legacy of this show was brutal for me because of what it triggered in him. My feelings and emotions are subject to a release of eruption from him toward me some way some how. Try to fine a place to hide a place to go. In other words wanting to disappear but to afraid to move because he is already at the triggering point.   You see I learned a while back that the same actions are fueled by sight as well as sound. You see everytime mother would leave us at night father would get angry. I guess not really knowing that father was upset until he goes to watching this show roller derby. This causes a reaction in him a feeling you might say as the violence erupts on the television show it set him into motion. Where he goes to getting excited which that causes an eruption and explosions all around me as well as a very heighten sense of emotions and feelings as well as my mind on high alert. Thoughts are coming faster and faster that I could ever process and my breathing and everything would get out of whack. It was almost like me and father emotions and feelings were connected some how. What turned his trigger turned me in the opposite way. I never could fine a way to turn his excitement from me, only could fine a way to be a target for him. I figured that was suppose to be because of the half processing of information and I could never fine help. It was as if you were sitting there and you know that a ball is coming but you can not get out of the way nor could you protect yourself, what a position to be in.   You see this situation and circumstance are different than before because it now takes either child to seek or set him on me. Since I am the outcast of the bunch not one fighting for attention, neither am I the one able to talk about sports, my position was an outcast. In that was know one able to protect me, nothing to stand between him and me to possibly stop the out burst of emotional attacks. That was going to happen regardless of situations nothing at all to stop the brutal, savageness of the evil streak buried deep in Daniel as he launches he’s massive assault upon me. To in fact entice father’s assault upon me as there was no defense for me at all within this type of situation. Daniel clearly being the favorite out of the bunch he was the one that father believed regardless of the situations and especially when it cam down to me or Daniel. I had no win or any say to the matter so Daniel’s attacks were calculated cold mental assaults that caused me to suffer under the hands of my father. With abusive words or hand attacks that constantly let me know how stupid or how slow I am. Or how I am nothing along with the massive attack of the mental nature as well as the possibility of the physical assault if Daniel was cruel in this attack. After that the constant laughing that came along form the others as well. Which ran my emotions and feelings to a point of exploding that was transparent do to fear of possibly being beaten to the point of believing death was more pleasurable.    Then in the mist of all that this moment of silence is broken by the sound of familiarity. A sound which signals a massive response within me. I heard the front door shut and that sound sent me into an atmosphere of total fear knowing those heavy footsteps. The owner to the massive eruptions which are set off every time I here such steps. These steps belong to the person that I was torn from leaving me because of the heighten awareness of not knowing what would or could happen in her presents. As well I want her to stay around for the simple fact that my attackers then are not just my father but also my brother as well. That entices my father awareness of his emotions erupting from the violence on the television to explode upon me. So when I heard the foot steps part of me was glad and the other part was worried. As knowing those foot steps fueled my explosions like gasoline to a fire setting off things with into a massive peak and giving me the total acceptance of what natural raw fear was.   As that door sound rang around and across the house I know that mother is here and just maybe I can be protected from father and the brother but who was going to protect me from her, who was going to give me the help needed to survive this particular day at the moment for which I am in right now. I could here mother coming up the stairs and I could feel the eruption exploding with each step that my mother too as well I could see the tension building within the house. As mother came from the bottom of the stairs to the top. I could feel the atmosphere change within the entire house that mother is here and she is the shot caller here. Daniel knew that mother did not approve of his ways once she left the house. I believe Daniel whole thing was to keep mother away so that he could have his run of the house and the personal within the house. As my position in side myself sank to a point of none existence. I was truly grateful that the day was almost at the end. I watch my mother as she unrobed wanting to yell out; Why you leave me you know there is no defense? Like it is any better with her.   As my heart beats as fast as a race horse and I wait to here those words that I wait for every night. Those words which indeed gives me great relief for the fact now it is time to get far away from everyone with in the reset spot within myself and lock away to a world in which I create. You see my only solution for which the position that I am in within this family unit is to get away to the only place for which I have to take me to and the only way that I can get there is through the only means for which I can totally be alone. Within the dark deep place of my own spot within my own head. As I yearn desperately for those words I constantly keep my eyes glued to my mother which was the other part of me constantly being alert when ever she is around. But I am staying glued to her because she is the author of these words it was her that called the time for me to be with myself. A chance for me, myself to try to repair myself from the damage of today. As well as is strengthen me for the next day. To feed myself, my thoughts and idea and take them to a place to go and eat and a place to decipher themselves. Within my own place of incomplete processing for which I thought of as the train of thoughts. I could see mother as the words that I had been waiting for she said finally came out of her mouth; “you all get ready for bed.”   As I hear those words I know for now just for this moment that the assaults are over with as well as the ability to change the situation by my brothers. I know this is my time to keep control. I could create and I look forward to this at this time. My body can deflate and start to repair all the damages for which I had sustained in the daily wart against me. As well as try to figure out what I have done wrong to deserve such a treatment of the ones that is suppose to be within the same family unit. Trying to figure out desperately if my position in this family the one thing that is not necessary in my life or is it the main reason for which this family unit come and got me. I had a chance at this time to look at myself and give me a chance to squeeze my own brain out. So that I can begin to restart over tomorrow. Time of bed was a place to where I could than me for being able to complete this day and try my best at the same time to forget it as well. To be able to erase the rough time of today. To give me new fresh plates for tomorrow and by know means see all the explosions brought on by today. As well as see them within the realms of my own thinking. Thinking to me is this worthy as I hold myself tight within the ball opposite position from standing straight up looking for a hug. I lay flat as if I am looking up in the sky for answers to fall and help me through this particular time in my life. So I role over into as mall ball position blocking everything else out. As well as keeping everything in for which is good to me. I create a ball small and tight, one of the protections for me within my own thoughts. As well as the knot small represent the size I felt at that time in my life.   As my days increase and intensify so do the over whelming burst at this time of explosions all around me. My feelings and emotions are most definitely exploding along with my situations and circumstances. The increase of my days bring upon itself as the triggering force to every heighten ability it could. Not only that the days became tenser for me as if my knowledge was increasing with every passing moment. As if the recorder is not only turned on but the learning process is speeding up and that I am caught up in the place to where I am absorbing the information as fast as the day is giving it. The rigorous assault takes more and more toll on me. As the assault increases not only in the amount of times but in aggressive nature as well to the point of being totally out of control. As I am building and increasing tolerance for the punishment of assaults and uses them to aid in my placement with the family unit. Increases my definition of who I am by the placement of the family unit and my determination of the fact that I need the position within the family. That gave me my understanding of which all is in the family. As where they are placed pertaining to me as well. My yearning for placement an acceptability fueled by uncontrollable bursting of feelings and emotions in which aids my thoughts to move my ability to over look my outcast in most places gave me even more fuel to always recreate what was possible to redo.   You see the fact that there was a possibility to redo what was done was always enhanced by the fact of always getting a shot of extra fuel. By certain situations as well as circumstances which forced me to always look at the fact that the thing needed to be redone all over again, in fact to be redone for the simple fact it was not only wrong but it cause me to be look at in the wrong way. I was always looking for my place so that the judgment for which I was judge under would be fair and understandable to me. So that my life would seem as normal as other lives around me. As well me being apart of the over all system of life. I could not possibly give proper assessment of my situations because all my emotions and feelings of rage that blinded my every comprehension of the facts. So to recreate was my way out of knowing of the more confusion state that I was in. Further elevated me in my school to a position impossible to hold for me, more painful reckless than what I feared if I accepted my mate.    As one looking up as being in a safe vault and never opening the door I gave myself know way out. I took my self in places where escape was impossible and the fear of finding away out was in fact scarier than coming out. You must understand the fact that the fear was so much a part of my life at this stage for which I was; that the very fact of coming out in this manner was indeed scarier than anything. That I could possibly phantom. Not only that the fear created an appetite of which feed upon the amount of fear as well. As the elevation of the fact that the fear was present. I learned that once the appetite grew to a point that I could no longer feed it. My mind took an explosive massive amount of explosions of its own and begins to readjust and in that readjustment able to control the recreation, for the first time not only control it but could not separate it from it. In fact within this creation I was being recreated on top of the recreation which has happen already which all actuality was redoing me over. This was more confusing than ever because by the time I understood what was going on I was in the state of being totally our of my own mind. Trying to hold on to what little I had left seemed to be the most impossible thing for me.   So the days and nights kept feeding on me in such away that cause me not only to be able to sleep in such a manner for which I slept but not to be able to sleep no other way. I fought each night to force myself to sleep as my mind ran like the speed of light. Constantly changing as well as focusing on the things that which set the pace of that day. I was constantly searching myself to stand on the facts of the day. I try to figure out where I was in those facts. As well my sleep became that place for which my mind was on total continuing running. That the only one there to decipher the information was me and I had no where to bounce this off of. So the body turns to me and the only thing that it could use was me and that gave a difficult task for a person of the age of 9-10 years old and in this stage of life. I was totally the wrong person for sleep because within my mind is not running but is constantly stuck in replay. For the simple fact there were no answers to be found. For which I was searching for that which cause my mind to replay the situations over and over again within my own mind.   As my years numbered at 9-10 years old and my mind was moving at a rapid pace. My mind aged as if it was moving in the way of growing instead of the way of processing information. For which my mind was doing a double touch for which my own body could not keep up with. My mind was processing information as well as growing up in age all at the same time. For which I was no match for that was within the body. But out of all this I had found some type of way to fine a so called placement within the family unit that gave a piece of what I was looking for. A chance to feel and say that I belong there and that was what I perceived was the placement for me. Within this position was nothing but confusion for me and that constantly haunted me within my own mind. Within this confusion was the fuel for which triggered massive explosions all around me. As well as within me that constantly fired off with a rippling effect. That went through my entire body as well. My thoughts raced constantly and my feelings and emotions were exploding all over the place and my situations and circumstances were changing like the speed of light. That took me to a place of constant heighten awareness. Being as confused as I was I could not even recognize all the explosions that was going on around me. That was firing off with in me as well as around me. Sort of like being in an earthquake and felt the ground move but did not know that you was in an earthquake. That it was on the verge of swallowing you up and you were totally unaware of the entire situation. You never looked down until it was too late. So may days grew more passionate toward the night because I developed a bigger appetite at this time of day.   You see regardless that at school my constant recreation left me, forced me to a point of total confusion. Because I had no since of grounding in whom I was as well as using the tools in which I use at home to help aid in my position at school. Within the nights my thoughts was always on the fact of the days and how I could increase my position within the family unit, as well as the school unit. What I could not figure out was how to take my position at home and the tools to use them at school. To great means of my own to enhance my position at school and this consumed most of my thoughts at night. The problem with this was trying to build a tree house in the bush. Not strong enough to hold the tree house as well as the wrong type of plant. You see I was constantly forcing situations and circumstances to change. Once they started changing on me then they begin to change on there own too much for me to grasp at one time. Then it became too late. By the time the house for which I built became too heavy for my bush stand I was in a position of no turning back and no control. So it kept crashing through and I had no other choice but to put it back for it to crash through again. Simply because I was just going through the process but not getting any answers just comforting myself that the process is going on.   My position and extreme explosions all around me caused for a radical pattern of emotions and feelings eruptions in a most strange way. Always keeping my feelings and emotions on raw edge and not knowing or capable of turning them off. Like if I was stuck on high drive and there was no switch to fine to cut me off. That cause my gears to grind each other until I was raw and the more it ran the faster it ran. The faster it ran the more it hurt. So that became the booster fueled for the racing thoughts that gave them more fuel than they ever needed to run in a pace for which the speed of light was no match for. As well as being the catalyst for rapid moving situations and circumstances that causes me at school to be able to yearn for my mate. Wanting to reach for my mate but not able to because my mate being is on for which I need so bad but totally afraid. For the results of me and my mate being together. You see I know my mate is there but being caught up in so much other things my mate is being lost in the confusion of my depths. And does not know even if I could finish it out to retrieve my mate for which I need so bad in my life. Out from the depths for which I had sanked.    At this age as well my home life and position there is causing me more pain and confusion there but cannot change or stop my position because out of it is feelings my obsession to be apart of the family unit. In other words the family unit is getting to be more and more painful to me but the simple fact is that I cannot stop my position nor change it because I have found the position feeling my obsession to be apart of the unit. So it is more powerful for me to feel apart of, than the pain for which my position is causing me at this time in me. Not only had that brought the need of touching to a new level and able to recognize as well. As full feelings a deep desire of being wanted in any kind of a way regardless of the situations and circumstances. You see it made no difference to me because of the deep and circumstances. You see it made no difference to me because of the deep emotion tides to be touch that was cause by my position even though it was uncontrollable rage, which was the only touching I was receiving. Meant more to me than anything else. You see my position fulfilled and gave me two things, a feeling of being apart of and taking care of a deep desire to be wanted by the touching. This also was helping me to feed my appetite of more and more explosions at a greater and greater level that increased my thoughts. That was the only way and best position for me; this is what I supposed to be doing.    My family unit stills growing more and more different but apart as well and no one growing closer to but in my thoughts; them at least recognizing me for now. That for me was good enough. You see within the family unit I was being seen even though the thing there was to be seen and not seen. But in fact for me I was more driven toward to be recognized that I was even there not only there but to be spoke about sometime. That was want fueled me in my position and that gave me the most pleasure for me. At that stage in my life. Unable to tell the difference between touch and beating and unable to stop either or start either just hoped that my position carried a certain amount of touching for me to satisfy my deep desire to be touched. Everyone kind of growing apart, everyone doing their own thing but I diligently searching me to constantly find me so I could hid me to recreate what was impossible to do. So my stage grew more and more confused and home became more and more unbearable. You see in fact I was constantly searching for me in all areas of my life but not to be shown but to redo over so know one could see the real me. An only be able to deal with the recreated me that gave me a since of hiding me from me so you could not touch.   My mother began to become more and more abusive more brutal than ever before as well as moving my senses to a new heighten awareness on day to day bases. As if something was going on with my mother and I could not see it or help. Like a switch came on within my mother that took total control over her which brought more and more brutal retaliations upon me and my brothers. That constantly being aware of brought my senses to a place of total awareness of my mother at all times. Which cause us to focus on her every move? I never could see what turned her on that she was always ready for a confrontation that lead to total out of controllable rage. That causes much damage to us. Father was just the opposite he began to with draw more and more to appoint of total free of us or me rather I hardly never even knew he was around. And at this stage in my life I was totally aware of everything that was going on around the house and the family aware of everything that was going on around the house and the family unit as a whole. Within all this my position got more and more separated from the family, mother and father still recognized me but my brothers saw my position as a way to advance there position within the family unit. As well as school and with our friends. Instead I became there stepping stone or latter if you can say that booster them in there own position to step on me to get up.   How can you tell a 9-10 year old you do not want him? In a way that they don’t know you are saying it. By simply drawing away from that child and let that child fear or feed themselves. The psychological ramification is unquestionably remarkable. In this type of metal abuse is the worse kind simply because the child looks forward to the verbal abuse of the words simply tell the child you are dumb or stupid or something. You see the child had grown accustom to the verbal abuse and put it as the way of communication within the family unit. So when you cut it off as though the child had done something wrong the child really has nothing to feed on but it self. That is the reason this is the most terrible form of the psychological abuse ever. What the child know and got accustom to had been taken away. What I simply mean is that you take the child give it what is seemed to be true changing that to what you tell that child. This child will recreated what you have told that child and that child becomes what you tell it too. Simply fulfill the fact of being apart of that family. Once the child try to recreate what is not true reality the child gets a distorted view of itself. Then the child is left with the aftermath of what is there and that is the most dangerous part of the recreated process. Because if that child can not get back to where that child had started that child stays where it is and that child will be lost forever. And for me that was my energy source, my biggest fuel the derogatory of the worlds worse in other words I ran on that garbage and built and engine that could take it.    You see fuel is the most important source for a person. Not only fuel for energy but fuel for thought. Not knowing to the family that the fuel source for my ability to run was not only wrong, but I learn to adjust and use that fuel. You see not only was I receiving bad fuel and that fuel was the only furl for which was given to me. I had turned the perfect motor into that motor which could handle the bad fuel. For which my family unit was giving me. Like putting sugar into a tank of a car a little at a time it will run for a minute on you but sooner or latter your entire motor will lock up and not work. Or you can catch it at the right time and change the tank so that you can take the bad fuel out and the sugar and save the motor. You see the problem with that is that you can not take a 9-10 year old mind out the body and change it s what do you do? I learned to adapt to the bad fuel for which I have to live with this change for the rest of my time on earth. This is why most of my situations and circumstances were so confusing to me because I was just learning to run on the garbage of what was given me. So everything got tainted to the garbage as it came into the system.   Understand that life was moving at this time at a rapid pace and explosions you can see was constantly getting faster and faster as they came upon me. To the point where I adapted but adapting to the force was another issue. That my appetite for the acceleration exploded and I was no longer could control nor follow. So I was always behind you can say. You must understand that my explosions were coming at a rate for which I could not understand. Nor could I really adapt to for the simple fact I had no understanding of not only were they coming from but how I could even slow them down. So I was at the mercy of the explosions themselves. When I tried to stop them I was causing another chain of events for which I was not prepared for. Nor was I ready for the simple fact I always found myself trying to catch up. With the fact that I was left behind and the fact I was unable to catch up with me. Always trying to catch up with me but never seeming to do so. Along with all this moving came confusion as all types of feelings and emotions for which fuel my thoughts and my thought process ten foes. Now not only was I out of control with my situations and circumstances I am further at a heighten state of emotional and feelings of a rollercoaster trying to catch with me. From that I triggered racing thought pace that no 9-10 year old should be in. The hard part of the whole idea was the simple fact that there was no one there for me to talk too. Nor no one there for me to go to and say that I need help.   So with this came much confusion and great emptiness of a massive open hole of pain. To which my only relief to recreate what was created but not lose what was already there. Most of all do not recreate it so much that I could not recognize it or not be able to undo because I always wanted to get back to where I came. One of the hardest things for me was to be able to see what was wrong and not be able to fix it. Nor be able to understand it and at my age and the stage of life for which I was under I had to except this pain in my life and try my best to figure and learn to adapt to such a thing. With all of the explosions going off and the eruptions that kept I totally confused. I had to recreate what had been created to be able to deal with the entire picture of the whole thing. And in that I had created I had to remember how it was in the beginning so that I would not for get so that I could get back to where I was in the beginning. For the need to be able to repair myself and the damages and be able to access myself on a day to day bases. Like a field if you can say where there is a base ball diamond and you play constantly on this diamond. You have a crew to repair the field of damages and the next day you are ready to play on the field again. The spectators never know the work that was put into it in order to play on it the next day. Nope, know one knew how much it took for me on day to day bases and probably in my mind no one cared but just be ready to play.   You know it was more or less my mind had geared for the game on day to day bases but the spectators did not care the cost of the repair just be there so that we can beat on you some more. Within that was fuel for the repair and the damage for which I sustain which was not a little but it took a lot of daily work in order for me to stand the next day. As I fought on the day to stay out the way the night was for the time I need to stand to repair for the next. To hide to be able to stand through the day and not fold within the day to always be able to get back and lay and do the repairs necessary to redo this all over again. There was to me nobody that neither cared nor was there even a spectator that wanted to know any part of this nor did they wanted to know it was even going on.   Now as we go along with my days I am trying to fine away to make my position in the family unit work. I want to distinguish me from the rest with my position. My position was a negative one but I have to deal with it because it gave me what I was looking for and it fulfilled a need. One it gave me attention and placement within the family unit regardless to the negative and it gave the attention that I was yearning for. And with the position within my family I could improve my position with my school mates to offer things others could not do. That gave me some good recognition in a world that has no mercy. I had adapted to this position regardless of what it had to offer negative because I thought it was filling a need for which was positive to me as a person and as a member within this unit. But the representation of my actions at school forced my situation and circumstances to change. At such a rate it took on a life of its own. I was totally behind but have increased my appetite for all the explosions of life around me fueled me that this was right. It gave me a sense of conformation upon each explosion that came upon me with increased intensity as well as the rapid pace for which I was moving. Never able to totally catch up so the thought of the fact that I was there in that position gave me total conformation of this entire feeling.   My thoughts justifying my action and my rationalization of the most deadly kind and there was one answering all questions with no answer but action on it. It was kind of like trying to be the teacher with out being train and then in a class that all advance students are in. Giving the wrong answer and justifying your answer with the wrong answer being right. What makes this so bad is that the person is not only giving the wrong answers but believes that there answers are right. My process of information at this point was still not about answers but the process was not over and waits till the answer comes then act. But within me was no one to squeeze the sponge no understanding was there. Just the lost process in a under fuel for a 9-10 year old at this stage in their life; With thoughts running faster than I could keep up with and  with life exploding all around me with situations and circumstances pushing my emotions and feelings to a point of eruptions. Till it runs off and leave me, from me, and I always feel left behind trying to catch up at my best with me. My entire time was kept trying to understand the running thoughts and then trying to catch up with me after I have run off and left me. This is the constant battle for which I was in.    My home is pushing the most out of everything these days. At this stage things are not being fulfilled because what all I wanted was to be able to hold my mate and embrace my mate. To the point that I could loose myself within my mate but was terribly afraid of the worse kind. Held back that the constant recreating made me want to not yearn for my mate but increased all the situations and circumstances. As well as my feelings and emotions are at the point that I always was struggling to get back to the created. That was almost impossible to do because each time something would be changed and that explosion of life was so settle till I would miss it. And this was the issue that made it very hard to return to what was created. And my circle constantly would continue and my nights would be me holding me trying to repair me and feed me with me. I could never actually see all the explosions because of the so settleness of each explosion that gave me no remembrance of the explosions. So I could not repair the whole things and the parts that I had missed would be the part for which I could not repair. So after each try I would leave a little and little behind till I was only repairing the most noticed parts. Unknowing to me that the parts that I was missing were running over to the parts that I was repairing.   And now at this stage within all this I had to hold on to in my mind depended on the fact that I have to stand on me. For me my reason was because know one was holding me up. As normally today my feelings and emotions are running on raw edge and erupting at full blast and the explosions are so intense and so frequently by time I recognize one eight have exploded. My situations and circumstances are moving at the sound mark that has accelerated my thoughts to the extreme. Now it is time to recreate, so I can enter and would be bound by know rules or thoughts a prison you can say that the inmates are of the worse kind. Psychological killers that use physical threats as a way of play time. Everything going as usual and I have tripled checked everything knowing when I get home that there would be something that I would have not done correctly. And an assault would be waiting on me or a mugging if you might what to say. But I get a chance to get away from here that was the upside. Even though where I was going I had to recreate me in order to survive in a world that was just as rough especially since I could not even embrace my mate. Hide the fact that I wanted to embrace my mate. Actually the school was not a place for which I hated to go because it got me away from the house. For which I needed to be from but in that case I had to go to the school and change me. In order that I would not grab hold to my mate and embrace my mate and had to keep these feeling down within so that know one knew how I felt.   Confused this morning as usual being heighten and increasing an appetite for the explosions and raw feelings an emotions.; with speed of thought being like the sound barer pushing situations and circumstances to a constant changing. Has been increased because of site of something that could very well increase my position at school. And as well with my brothers. You see as the sight of this sent my feelings and emotions into orbit and thoughts clear to mars. Push me to a point of complete state of shock for a minute. Not clearly understanding what I should do or what could I do. I was at a point for which I had seen something that could give me the edge for which I desperately need in my life. To gain a ground of positioning to my family as well those within the place for which your position is everything. As unforeseen written code and that I was not even listed on. As I constantly yearn to be apart of something, anything and as well becoming a part of my family unit. As well to receive just a little inkling of satisfaction even if the end results would be a terrible justice physically. As well as mentally but in the garbage I was feeding myself and the inability to complete an answer that look better to me than nothing at all I was at a point that anything look better than nothing for which I had to go for what ever the garbage I was feeding myself as the best thing for me.    Further more if I keep this right I could have more recognition than I could ever have. But not understanding that in my recreating the more my appetite would grow. The more I would need to sustain myself and now this thought and thousands of others like it raced and orbited in my head but none having a place or spot to rest. In an area all ready over run with to much with no way to squeeze it out and rest. In an area all ready over run with to much with no way to squeeze it out and now being elevated with these new eruptions and explosions. That boosted my awareness of my feelings and emotions which over whelmed me with the constant explosions at an uncontrollable rate. More or less like being gone from which you was comfortable at and being thrown into a place of total newness. To where you have to functions as well as you did in the old as the new. I was in that struggle to where my thoughts had to register something that fueled everything to a new level. Still I had to constantly readjust to the situations. Situations begin to change and them I had to constantly deal with the explosions for which was brought on my first change. Now I am dealing with the eight changes and constantly trying to catch up with the first.   This pushed me into very extreme changes in my situations and emotions as well as elevated my situations and circumstances. You see what was so different about today was the fact that the first time the tool in which brought me into the family unit positions had an opportunity to elevate me. In this world that I am in mow and this even intensified the whole thing. For the first time ever I had a chance to use what I already know to move me up within a position in school. For what I had been trying to do every since I had entered into this world of permanently mental cases of totally lawlessness and totally out of control society. Fro which I was not only brought here but demanded to stay regardless of what happens in my life would be at the hands of these people for ever. Now this opportunity appears and I have a chance to go and possibly become for ever. Now this opportunity appears and I have a chance to go and possibly become the person for which I needed to be so bad. That person needed to get out so bad that I was looking for anything that would work. With all that it gave fuel to intensify everything for which I had no control over. It gave more fuel for my thoughts than anything else at that point and stage in my life. My entire existence as one person world could in fact in my thoughts process could be totally changed. I would seriously at least for a little while give me the opportunity to have what everyone else around has just o be apart of something.    You see in this stage of my thoughts was moving so fast that not only could I not keep up with them but they had taken power of its own. To the point it was dragging me along and there was nothing I could do about it. As if I had been chain and there was something that was much more powerful that I was moving me along. I gave no resistance to the power because you could feel the awesome power of the thing. For which it would drag me at the seed that wanted me to move at. I had no control like it had found a source of unlimited power supply that fueled and gave a boost out of this world. And as well at this point searching and constantly looking for away to embrace my mate. And openly doing it and not have to constantly remember the recreated. And it just would truly not only be remarkable for me but in fact a feet utterly impossible. As a 9-10 year old this is a point for me to truly have what I wanted and to have it all at the school house then home would not be so bad.    As I totally look forward in escaping every chance I get but going on automatic or like a robot. Not having the courage or the strength to escape if there was a way that was revealed unto me at this present time in my life. Not to return this was my opportunity staring me in the face begging me to get some kind of lie savage from this thing. That long ago I quit calling it living but referred to it as existing. Did not on any way out of this as well. Oh how my head is exploding and all around me exploding as well. In me exploding and I am coming apart with bursting emotions and feelings. Hoping and praying that with this will be no more since of holding me at night. Just because of the possibility I received parts and places in my day I got what everyone else got a chance to be normal.   But for me normal had an ugly price for me to pay. For which was the cost for which I did not understand. Why I had to pay such a price for something that seemed to me every one had. As well as it was just handed to them. It looked like to me that everyone had a thing for which they were entitled to but for me I had to give my very soul to have. Then that was only for a little while and that was very confusing to me at this time and this stage and this age of my life. The idea or thought of having a piece of what I considered normal was the ultimate goal for existence. And this was it the thing that could give me just a piece of that and this is what sent my emotions and feelings to a place out in orbit. My mind moved like a rocket fuel moves a ship in no orbit, placing in space and nothing to hold on to. My perception of circumstances and situations changing so rapidly and trying to go about how my situations and circumstances would change after getting this. Wow that gave me the most in creditable confusion in my head then I ever had.   But through all of that I simply let that 9-10 year old mind run rapid till I got to a place not to bare it. As I cared on through the rest of the day at school nothing compared to that moment. Nothing but nothing I thought about prepared for or hopes for than that. What which I say besides my mate that I yearned for. That day I constantly had to recreate myself over and over just to stay in the moment. Not go into a day dream about it. Nothing outside of me was effected by the out of controlled confusion. In the most cruel uncontrollable area that we call for that day and for these few hours of school. I was untouchable as well as uncaring about everything as I was for those few hours left in school. I had unconscious prepared myself for what would soon come to pass.   As now as I am walking home explosions of life is going on all around me as I meditate on the idea of that moment. To a point where I could not hardly walk. My head filled to the capacity to appoint that I thought I would surly burst wide open as well as explode. This particular walking home was the most intense walk that I had ever experience up to this point in my life. What it did for more of most of the walk boosted everything to a new level. From my appetite increasing explosions of feeling and emotions erupting changing my situations and circumstances at a speed of light fueling my racing thoughts. To leave the planet was in creditable. This was in fact my first walk getting some where I did not even know how I got there meditation on an event or thought. And it was so intense that words could not explain it nor describe it.   Could you possibly phantom my emotions erupting an explosive feelings as I saw home I needed to talk to some one and now I am home. Unknowing what would happen once I stepped in the door but at this point my body is on automatic I got to go. Each step increasing everything more and more to the point of being raw. Trying to undo what I had created and forget about it. Because of the meditating. Building up and hoping just for once things would be picture perfect but getting a feeling in the pit of my stomach. Putting a sour taste in my mouth of pure fear. A taste that I had learned early in my life as well as my mouth.   The closer I get the bitterer tasting as I reach for the door…………………

On Common Ground